I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
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I think we should hear other voices.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.