I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
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I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
The pasta is now
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”