I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
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At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.