I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
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just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.