I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
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[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that