I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
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Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.