Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
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*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
guys i’ve cracked the code
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats