I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one