@thejessbess: I always wear running shoes while driving because you won't know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
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@OnlyFastEddie: Me: I hope you don't mind if I nibble during sex. Her: Not at all! Me: Great! *Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
@ForeverHairy: Me: Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms? Kids: WE DO! YAY!
@XplodingUnicorn: My 3-year-old told me she covered the house in "fairy dust" She better mean cocaine because if it's glitter somebody's going to be homeless