i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
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Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
My beach vacation Google searches
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n