I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
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I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
new career option?
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?