@byrdie_num_num: My wife and I used to describe our marriage as 'forever', now we both prefer the term 'ad nauseam'.

@nerdreign: If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.

@MartaEffing: Her: omg, I'm SO happy for you! Me: *shaking head* No, no, no... I said I got 'enraged', today. Not 'engaged'.

@hazelmotes1: I like to wear fur coats, but fur is murder, so I just tied 15 live badgers together and this coat is really scratchy and bitey.

@Sarcasticsapien: I only discriminate against people who discriminate. I'm basically the Dexter of discrimination.