@JasonBerlin: You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

@jaggings: Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I'm very disappointed with all of you.

@GavinProbably: How did Hitler tie his shoes? In knotsies. (The unfollow button is only a click away)

@MommaUnfiltered: [Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games] *Tells junior he didn't make the team*

@joci2203: [first date] Him: Why are you being so distant? Me: Why didn't you order a side of guacamole?