@thestlouisan: I do this thing where I reply "Maybe" to calendar invites I receive from my wife for date nights she's planned. I sleep on the couch a lot.

@JimmerThatisAll: I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

@markydoodoo: [Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing] Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star. -Bowser K.

@FrenulumBreve: [Safari hunt] (Ok don't tell them I'm an elephant) *Adjusts hat and shades* "Elephant?. Yes that way." *Points with trunk*

@xLiserx: Trench coats are dangerous. How do you know who’s a detective, a flasher, or two muppets? You just don’t know. YOU JUST DON’T KNOW!!