i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
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Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Was it something I said?
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”