I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
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As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
no their not
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.