2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
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Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.