“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
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Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Come back with a warrant
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)