I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
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CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!