I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
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Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
No Google it does not
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.