I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
You Might Also Like
this has done me in for some reason
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Just ordered me some pizza!
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
*pronounces UPS like yoops