I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
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Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone