I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
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I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Yup….perfect score!
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.