@djdarrellripley: I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn't even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died...
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@Brampersandon_: RANGER: Remember, don't feed the bears ME (being attacked by a grizzly): OH GOD HE'S RIPPING ME APART! RANGER: What did I just say!?
@AndyAsAdjective: 7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings "so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket," what's he mean? ME: he's a NASA scientist
@JustUnstableMe: Boss: Where's the progress report I asked u for Me: I haven't made any progress that's my report What I imagine it'd be like if I had a job
@animadvertguy: LAWYER: where were you Oct 13th? ME: alibi school LAWYER: can u prove this? ME: wait, the 13th? LAWYER: ya ME: k no I was murdering that day