I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
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My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.