@jus4golf: I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F'ing B.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Teen: Your brows are on fleek! Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek. Teen: Thanks! Me: God damn it.
@elspetheastman: Avocado: not ripe Avocado: not ripe Avocado: not ripe Avocado: I'M RIPE NOW Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
@pleatedjeans: [school teacher job interview] Can I ask you some questions? I don't know CAN you? haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
@LostLettermen: In response to McDonald's pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.