I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
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ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”