english majors be like furthermore
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What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.