@Sleinso: I am at my most drunk when I go from chat room to chat room yelling WHO STOLE MY POPTART!!
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@krustythe_klown: [12 doctors in a meeting] alright. which one of you idiots leaked the 1 weird tip to lose weight that doctors wont tell you. IDIOTS!
@ericsshadow: [flying remote control helicopter near my wife] GET THAT THING AWAY FROM MY- [helicopter gets tangled in her hair & now I'm a dead person]
@SteveSuckington: Lionel Richie: I'm easy like Sunday morning Sunday morning: wow I'm right here
@dysalexia: Next time you're on a date and someone asks "Is that your boyfriend or your brother?" smile really creepy and whisper "Both".