If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
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Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
<—- homeless romantic
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying