I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
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Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Anyone want a chair?
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.