I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
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Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Based Erika
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”