I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
You Might Also Like
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
My birthstone is kidney
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY