I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
You Might Also Like
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…