I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
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I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.