“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
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CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie