i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
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[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*