“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
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There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth