I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
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Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.