I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
You Might Also Like
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Bartenders are just boneless bars
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them