So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
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Me trying to walk in a dream
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
ok like just. call me at this point
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
☠️☠️☠️
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
🛁
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
They’re called werewolves.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.