Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
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the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”