“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
You Might Also Like
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician