my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
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That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Finally!
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
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Ladies, if he:
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-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome