I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
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Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]