I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
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you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
😂😂
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse