There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
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I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
#oldknees
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
pizza
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*