I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
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When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
You had me at “define legal”.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.