I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
You Might Also Like
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
No chill.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn