i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
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Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?