I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
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“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters