I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
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We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop