Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
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Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.