@Bacardidevi: "I am going on a trip." "Mushrooms or acid?"
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@JElvisWeinstein: People belittle the internet "talking about a dress" as if we're busy solving problems otherwise.
@Mr_Kapowski: [walks into 4D ultrasound office] Receptionist: Uh sir. This is for pregnant women Me: I just want to see my burrito again
@GreenishDuck: My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.