[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
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I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
time for some seasonal decor